I’ve been busy. No, not with TONS of photo shoots, which is what people are constantly asking. I humbly say no. Not because I don’t have clients. Its because over the last 4 months I’ve had to say no….a lot. No to family shoots, no to last minute wedding work, no to commercial work, and the list goes on. Its hard to explain how I’ve been spending all this time. Its wrapped up in a thousand moments and endless thinking, planning, and praying. We are now the parents of four…..and its happened in less than 2 years. Lets just all wrap our heads around this for a moment. We adopted our two girls in November of 2011, then in November of 2012, their 5 year old twin brother and sister came into our world. We’ll adopt them this summer as soon as we’re able.
2 + 2 + 2 = 6
In October, when we first found out the twins would be coming to live here, I did a lot of dry heaving. Not because I didn’t want them, but because I knew that once we took this step, our lives would never be the same. And it was okay for me to fear that change. Four kids is a lot. But when I look at Cora and I look at Ruby, something deep inside told me that their brother and sister already belonged to me, it just wasn’t a matter of court documents. But at one time, 3/4 kids were four years old. Again, lets just think on that for a sec. Ruby is only 11 months younger than the twins, Cora is just 20 months older than them. All same birth mom. Dry heaving.
But they came, and chaos and tears and joy and sleeplessness and confusion ensued. The dry heaving stopped though. The fear was gone. It was merely the everyday logistical challenges that come with getting four kids up, clothed, clean (this one is harder than you would think), fed, to school, held, listened to, cuddled, read to, cuddled, to therapy…..and on and on and on. There were weeks I would be so bone tired brushing my teeth seemed like a mountain to climb. So I wouldn’t brush my teeth, I hate it anyway. But meals from friends came. There was mysterious house cleaning. Free babysisters. Gifts (oh the gifts!). And sympathy if not understanding. Because lets face it; NO ONE we know can understand what this is like. That fact in itself is lonely.
Its been four months since our family exploded to 6. I’m feeling parts of my creative self coming back little by little. Every thought isn’t commandeered by meal planning, attachment strategies, discipline, bed time, tooth brushing, and hair braiding. But I need some help from you too. In moments of quiet desperation I’ve considered calling it quits after 2013 as far as LOVE EQUALS is concerned. I’ve thought about going back to school or seeking some other occupation. But putting down my camera seems……wrong. And lonely. I don’t think I can be separated from this work. Granted there are WAY too many photographers in this town. A few might wish me well in some other profession. But I’m not done yet….I just may need a few more cheerleaders.