I’ve been busy. No, not with TONS of photo shoots, which is what people are constantly asking. I humbly say no. Not because I don’t have clients. Its because over the last 4 months I’ve had to say no….a lot. No to family shoots, no to last minute wedding work, no to commercial work, and the list goes on. Its hard to explain how I’ve been spending all this time. Its wrapped up in a thousand moments and endless thinking, planning, and praying. We are now the parents of four…..and its happened in less than 2 years. Lets just all wrap our heads around this for a moment. We adopted our two girls in November of 2011, then in November of 2012, their 5 year old twin brother and sister came into our world. We’ll adopt them this summer as soon as we’re able.
2 + 2 + 2 = 6
In October, when we first found out the twins would be coming to live here, I did a lot of dry heaving. Not because I didn’t want them, but because I knew that once we took this step, our lives would never be the same. And it was okay for me to fear that change. Four kids is a lot. But when I look at Cora and I look at Ruby, something deep inside told me that their brother and sister already belonged to me, it just wasn’t a matter of court documents. But at one time, 3/4 kids were four years old. Again, lets just think on that for a sec. Ruby is only 11 months younger than the twins, Cora is just 20 months older than them. All same birth mom. Dry heaving.
But they came, and chaos and tears and joy and sleeplessness and confusion ensued. The dry heaving stopped though. The fear was gone. It was merely the everyday logistical challenges that come with getting four kids up, clothed, clean (this one is harder than you would think), fed, to school, held, listened to, cuddled, read to, cuddled, to therapy…..and on and on and on. There were weeks I would be so bone tired brushing my teeth seemed like a mountain to climb. So I wouldn’t brush my teeth, I hate it anyway. But meals from friends came. There was mysterious house cleaning. Free babysisters. Gifts (oh the gifts!). And sympathy if not understanding. Because lets face it; NO ONE we know can understand what this is like. That fact in itself is lonely.
Its been four months since our family exploded to 6. I’m feeling parts of my creative self coming back little by little. Every thought isn’t commandeered by meal planning, attachment strategies, discipline, bed time, tooth brushing, and hair braiding. But I need some help from you too. In moments of quiet desperation I’ve considered calling it quits after 2013 as far as LOVE EQUALS is concerned. I’ve thought about going back to school or seeking some other occupation. But putting down my camera seems……wrong. And lonely. I don’t think I can be separated from this work. Granted there are WAY too many photographers in this town. A few might wish me well in some other profession. But I’m not done yet….I just may need a few more cheerleaders.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh gosh, you made me cry, Renee. We’re super proud/impressed/blown away (what is the right word???) with this incredible work you are doing now. Whatever you feel led to do, the Tredways will cheer you on.
This is wonderful! I am so happy that not only have the kiddos been brought into your lives but you have been brought into the kiddos lives. As you know (obviously), I knew the twins before this all happened and I have loved seeing the transformation of them! It just makes me want to cry knowing how much you love them and they love you and how well they are being taken care of!! Jasiah went from a loving, sweetheart to an even bigger loving, sweetheart and you all are the reason why! Keep it up and know that we are always here for you!! Love the picture, BTW!!
I came across the best question the other day when considering the same this year .. What is it that you want to FEEL when you “work” (or don’t_)? NOT “What do you want to do?” … WHAT DO YOU WANT TO FEEL? If photography gives you what you want to feel (those beautiful gifts of excitement, love, peace, inspiration, joy, and heartwellingup feelings) when you’re a photographer .. then stick with it. The rest of the answers will find themselves. Be patient with yourself.
You are such a splendid human being. I’m so glad that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing you in my life. Stay strong! You can do this!
Renee, thanks for sharing with us the real impact of having 4 young children descend upon your lives. The blessings, the physical exhaustion, the seeming endlessness, the desire to be somewhere else sometimes. It’s all real and it’s okay. I pray that there will be a rhythm that comes into your life too, where you feel like you can say “yes” to a photo shoot. You really are such a gifted photography and I don’t think God wants you to set that aside. My thoughts are with you and I wish I could say I understood, but I don’t. God does though. You and Ben have done a wonderful thing in becoming parents. It will get better.
Renee,
The more I get to know you, the more I am stopped in my tracks are your courage to show your real state of being without apologies. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been holding up, and this was a pretty thorough answer! I don’t think there is a woman around who learns about your situation and takes a moment to say, “WOW. I do not know if I could do what she is doing!” But that thought is so quickly followed up with a cheer from deep inside my heart for the way you’ve said “yes” to the Lord in bringing these children into your heart and home. Four lives, FOUR LIVES, have already been profoundly impacted by your decision and it is such a beautiful thing to watch. I hope you find a way to hang on to your photography, because everyone else is so right…you’re really good and you’re constantly blessing people with precious photos. But if the Lord has plans to use you to bless people in another way, then I pray he’d grant you peace to follow His lead. You’re a rockstar.
Sarah we’re so thankful that you’ve been apart of their story!
Kristy, I’m having a hard time trusting my feelings right now. I’ve never had a baby but I think I’ve still been hit with the hormone stick. I’m not sure what is me and what is my over active mom of four hormones. But today is a new day.
Oh Rebecca, thank you so much! I loved your blog post that mentioned you can still hear my voice in your head!
Renee – as I type this, I can see a framed photograph of a beautiful Haitian girl that you took years ago. She must be almost 10 now. I think about her often. I pray for her. I pray she feels safe and loved and strong. There is a kind of integrity in the way that you take pictures and the way you live your life. A “sameness” in the talent that you bring to seeing people as a person and seeing them through the lense of a camera. You see the light in another person. I think that’s why you were able to love 4 little kids right into the rooms upstairs. You and Ben see. And you give us the gift of sight. And right now the camera is focused on 4 little people who desperately need to be seen. Don’t give up on the rest of it. You are doing good work. And I believe in you.
Don’t
Give
Up
The creativity comes back. Your brain comes back. Keep saying Yes to your babies – the rest of the world can wait. Think of it as letting new kinds of creativity germinate slowly during these busy kid-filled years. It’s not dormant; it’s just being used in totally new ways – ways that don’t always feel so sexy as picking up a camera and making visual art. The work of forming little living hearts into pieces of art to glorify their Maker – that’s slow work, deliberate work, and it requires everything from you for a long time. It’s good. It’s sacred. You are doing an amazing thing. It’s really not all that separate from what you do in your photography – pulling out the soul of a person to the surface to show them and the world their brilliance. You’re doing the same thing now as a Mama.
Laura thank you so much!